HOW IS THIS MY PROBLEM ???.

We wake up in the morning. We map out our day. We step out of our homes. We think we know where we are going. But we have no real idea where our steps are leading us.

I can already see some of you saying, “What on earth is Martial going on about? When I leave to go to work, I really do go to work and I come back from it.” Yes, fair enough. Indeed, you go to work and you come back from it, safe and sound; and I pray that God may always go on blessing your goings and your comings.

But what we have no idea about is everything we steep ourselves in, consciously or unconsciously. Because of the closeness we have developed with this or that person, or indeed because of the familiarity we believe we have developed, we give ourselves the right, without really giving it a thought, to act or to hold forth on the lives, the relationships, the work or the families of those close to us.

And all of this we do without asking ourselves a question I would call existential: “How is this my problem?” 

As I always do, I am going to take the time to mark out my subject so as to define precisely what I am talking about here. The question “How is this my problem?” can be read in several ways and can lead people to stop helping those close to them.

We could see a friend hurt in an accident and wonder how it is our problem, and not come to their aid.
We could notice that a couple we are friends with is having money troubles and not help them, because it isn’t really our problem.
We could observe a friend making a very bad decision and not try to talk her out of it, because she alone will be left picking up the pieces.
And so on.

Those are situations at odds with the “How is this my problem?” I am speaking of here. For as long as it is possible to help without being intrusive, we must do so. I will never stop making the case for goodness and for support.

To come back to my subject, the situation is all the more peculiar when it concerns couples we are close to. Miraculously, not to say obsessively, some people feel invested with a saving mission that drives them to go meddling in matters that are none of their business, not up close, not from a distance, not even from very far away. One thing worth knowing is that people who cannot stop themselves from interfering in other people’s affairs often do so because they suffer from the emptiness of their own existence, which they are seeking to fill in this way. These would be men and women, often idle, whose lives are too regulated and too neatly squared off, without the slightest source of excitement or novelty. It necessarily follows that this emptiness has to be filled by embedding themselves in affairs or files that, on the face of it, have nothing to do with them. It is a well-known fact that nature abhors a vacuum, is it not??

This process of interference comes in two stages:

• Hunting for the information: to gossip, you do need material. And so these people feel no embarrassment at all about seeking out or finding their sources. Let us note, in passing, that sometimes the information reaches intrusive people without their having gone looking for it. Therein lies the whole beauty of the law of attraction!
• Disclosing the information: once the information has been received, they will contrive to pass it on to the people concerned without asking themselves the right question: “How is this my problem?” This is where the role of such people turns darker. Suggestive text messages, frequent calls that are long, insistent and vague, carefully calculated hints, underhanded letters: it all belongs to the arsenal of these toxic people.

In principle, the question “How is this my problem?” encompasses 3 fundamental prerequisites of the relationships we have with others:

• timeliness: is it worth my raising this subject with this person?
• usefulness : will it help or harm them if I raise this subject with him or her?
• responsibility : could I stand behind saying the very same things, in the very same way, in front of everyone?

This is a check we must run with ourselves every time the urge takes us to raise a subject with someone close. For if what I have to say is not worth saying, is not going to help the person across from me and, above all, if I am not equipped or responsible enough to say the same things elsewhere, then why say it at all? Giving up intrusive behaviour requires accepting the other person in their difference, trying to understand their needs without always bringing everything back to our own experience. We can also give them credit without treating them like a child: they are an adult and must learn to sort out their own problems.

To close, let us pay attention to what we listen to and to what guides our actions. Hidden among our families, our brothers, our sisters, our colleagues, our friends and others, we have intrusive people disguised as angels.
Conversely to what was said above, we must protect ourselves, defend those close to us and preserve our relationships by carrying out the reverse exercise:

• timeliness: is it worth his or her raising this subject with me?
• usefulness: is this subject meant to help me or to harm me?
• responsibility: could this person stand behind saying these same things, in the same way, in front of my spouse, in front of our families, in front of our friends?

Some people do not know how to keep watch over their own behaviour so as to avoid interfering and barging in. They have no idea how to stay out of a matter or a conversation, or how to withdraw from one. They must be helped; they must be taught. In short, they must be helped to ask themselves “How is this my problem?”

M. Z.