This title is inspired by a true story.
We were in a WhatsApp group. A mini WhatsApp group, I would say; the kind of group made up of four (4) people where everyone knows everyone else and where everyone has even been to everyone else’s home. That is to say how much familiarity, conviviality and respect prevailed in that space.
One day, when the decision had been made to go and play golf, it so happened that something came up and I could not make it. I said so at the last minute, and Ryan, the group member who was organizing the activity, lost his temper. While sparing you the details, note that the exchanges that followed, from him as much as from me, were extremely harsh, out of place, inappropriate, unusual and completely beyond the bounds of friendship, respect and family within which we had always moved.
This episode prompted me to question people’s true nature:
"The Ryan who left me those harsh messages, was it really the one I know or was it someone else?"
"Did he send those messages in all conscience, or had the situation got the better of him?"
"Should I see Ryan through the prism of this lapse in language, or should I call to mind all the cordial exchanges and contacts we had always had before this episode?"
"In short, what is Ryan’s true nature: the Ryan I read or the Ryan I know? And besides, is it the Ryan I know or the one I think I know?"
So many questions, and today no answers.
I realize, consequently, that questioning true nature has a twofold value: preventive for the one who commits the act and curative for the one to whom the act is directed.
On the one hand, questioning oneself about one’s own true nature before committing an act puts us in a posture of self-censorship: these words I am using, are they worthy of me? Will I be able to answer for what I am about to do? This act I am about to commit, does it elevate me or demean me? Do these words honour me or dishonour me? Are my intrinsic values in conformity, in every respect, with what I am about to say or do? Will I have the time and the energy needed to resolve this problem if, through my act, the situation were to degenerate? The image I am going to project through this act, is it my true self, my true nature? And so on. If you have answered favourably to all these questions, then it is a green light. If you hesitate on a single one of the questions, you should perhaps examine your behaviour again. That is the preventive effect.
On the other hand, asking yourself whether the act or the words directed at you stem from the true nature of the person facing you leads you to take a position towards them. If you find that it is part of their true nature or amounts to a habit, it may be time to raise the matter and point out the lapse in order to restore respect in the relationship. Where there is a repeat offence, your response should be proportionate to the harm suffered. If, on the contrary, you find that it is an isolated case and that this offensive behaviour or these hurtful words have their origin in a stressful or troubling situation your loved one is going through, you could choose to ignore the situation or simply limit yourself to mentioning the offence you suffered.
In either case, you should never keep silent about a situation that has affected you emotionally. That pain you have silenced would kill your relationship by slow degrees and would gnaw at you from within. You should not allow that under any pretext, not in love, not in friendship, not even at work.
All in all, live in harmony with yourself, with your values, according to your true nature, and express your feelings, whatever they may be and towards whomever they are directed. That alone is the guarantee of a fulfilled life.
M. Z.
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