Through our upbringing, our living environment or the situations we have been through, each of us develops a particular attitude towards the words we use. Some people grew up in families where freedom of expression was sacred and therefore respected. Others, by contrast, were raised with very severe restrictions on speaking up.
In both cases, and especially in certain settings, expressing one’s feelings towards parents and those around us has not always been easy. That context therefore has a bearing on the young child once he reaches adulthood. Some will struggle simply to assert their opinions; others will find it painful to express their feelings. It follows that a good many people feel a certain discomfort in saying certain words.
These words, which we will call here the words of discomfort, come in several orders and several kinds. We will take up the three (3) most frequent: I love you, Forgive me, I miss you.
1- I love you:
In the election for the hardest group of words to utter, “I love you” wins hands down, with no competition.
In married couples, partners tend to say it to each other less and less. Yet it is the very mortar of the relationship.
In unmarried couples, or couples barely formed, it goes unsaid because the other partner would think it was too soon. But is there a right moment to begin expressing your love?
In relationships between parent and child, some parents are reluctant to say it to their children. That builds up a certain mystery around these words. As for me, it took me a very long time to say “I love you” to my mother. I barely did it three or five times before losing her. Yet a mother’s love is the purest thing there is.
In friendships too, it is complicated to say. Something in our innermost self holds us back, because we wonder how the other person would take it. The line between Eros love and Agape love is indeed a very fine one.
2- Forgive me:
The word “forgive” takes the place of first runner-up in our competition. It is the expression of our repentance when we have been naughty, when we have done something that upset, annoyed or harmed our neighbour. Above all else, forgiveness is a value to instill in ourselves and to instill in our children from their earliest years of life. The expression of forgiveness is something you cultivate. The first step is to acknowledge the offence for which we are responsible. The second is to find the right words to convey our apology precisely, with respect to a particular act. A “general” apology tossed off in a hurry is no apology at all, and even casts discredit on you. The third step is to take on the consequences of our actions. You have to be ready to answer for your actions when you ask forgiveness, because you never know how the person across from you will respond to your request for forgiveness. That is in fact what makes the whole process so arduous. The fourth and final step amounts to repenting and committing not to make the same mistake again. But that is another debate.
3- I miss you:
Our ranking ends with the group of words “I miss you”. It expresses the desire to see someone again in order to do things we were already doing together. Those things range from the simple fact of seeing each other to making love, taking in along the way things as ordinary as laughing together, holding hands or watching a film together on a cold winter evening. Some people maintain that you cannot miss a person you have never seen, because missing someone is fundamentally rooted in the desire to live again what you have already lived, and not to live a moment you would have liked to live with the other person. That view, though logical if debatable, is just as relative. Every being can feel the absence of another being for a thousand and one reasons. In every case, it is the saying of it that is complicated, and some people are likewise embarrassed to express it because of the risk of being misread.
In short, if you love her, tell her so! If you have offended her or him, ask for forgiveness! If you miss her or him, say that too.
I could not close this article without pointing out that we must make the effort to express these words to those close to us without judgment and with an open heart. On the other side, we ought to be mature enough to accept being told them “with no ulterior motive.” What is more, let us say them to our parents, because they are not eternal. Today, I no longer have the chance to say them to my beloved mom. If the opportunity were given to me, I would tell her: “Mom, you know that I love you, I miss you terribly, and I ask your forgiveness for all the times I could not be there.”
On reflection, our discomfort in expressing these troublesome words owes more to a failing of past generations than to any natural attitude. It falls to us, then, to build the next generation of women and men who are at ease expressing feelings of love, of forgiveness and of missing someone. For life makes itself known through words. Was it not said that in the beginning was the Word? (John 1:1.)
M. Z.
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