It is a well-known fact that, from birth onward, the human being passes through several phases: he grows, he grows old and he dies. On a broader scale, all human productions follow much the same course: creation, development, zenith, regression, decline and disappearance/death/futility/emptiness, depending on the subject.
It is no surprise, then, that love, the noblest thing of all time, does not escape it.
Indeed, love, that inclination towards a person, most often of a passionate nature, founded on the sexual instinct but giving rise to varied postures, also has its "phases". Four (4) are counted in all.
The initial meeting : this stage is crucial in a relationship, and it is the one that often determines whether the partners will move towards friendship, towards love or towards a night of pleasure. The meeting also determines the idea your future partner will form of you for the whole length of the relationship, and it will have an impact on the trust within your couple. In my coaching sessions, I have seen women who grew anxious every time their husband went to a conference, because the two of them had met at a conference. Other young people are not comfortable with their boyfriends going to nightclubs, because their initial meeting took place in that setting. Which is to say that wherever you happened to meet your partner, they might no longer want you to go there. It is the syndrome of the phobia of the repeated effect.
In every case, the first meeting is that moment when we have butterflies in the stomach. We go into raptures over the other’s photo or profile. On parting, we still carry in our mind that perfume, that outfit, that gaze, that smile, that voice, which did not fail to leave their mark on us. We want to see again this special person who did not leave us indifferent.
In the age of technology and social networks, we must call for vigilance, for anyone can pass themselves off as anyone at this stage. It must also be specified that the phase of the meeting may stretch on indefinitely or be extremely short. It is often lived through with passion and ardent desires. It is the passionate phase, which can be summed up as "I have eyes for her/him alone". It is the red puzzle of the heart.
This stage, whose length varies according to the interest the partners take in the relationship as well as their personality types, leads inevitably to the second phase: the real reality.
The real reality : the real reality begins concretely once the dust of the early days has settled. On the one hand, it may be a matter of tangible events such as the end of a vacation, the end of a trip or the morning after a torrid night. On the other, it may simply be a matter of a few weeks or months gone by. Some consider that the beginning of the real reality is akin to marriage or to the beginning of a shared life. Be that as it may, here it is the quantity of time spent together that is decisive.
Whatever the event marking the end of the initial meeting, the period of the real reality has this particular feature that both partners realize they have changed phase. The butterflies in the stomach having passed, we open our eyes to discover the other’s true qualities and flaws. It is the blue puzzle.
This discovery is very closely correlated with the portrait painted, on both sides, at the initial meeting. In other words, when we have convinced the other that we are this or that in order to lead them to love us, whereas in reality we are nothing of the kind, the fall is violent and abrupt. Some presented themselves as civil servants at the start, whereas it was nothing of the sort, while others showed themselves to be lovers of children, whereas they had a terrifying aversion to them.
Legally, we speak of an error as to the person, and this constitutes an admissible ground for divorce. Accordingly, article 180, para. 2 of the Civil Code provides that " if there has been an error as to the person, or as to essential qualities of the person, the other spouse may apply for the annulment of the marriage. " Thus, as under the general law, error is a cause of nullity of marriage. Which is to say that the real reality must bring to light the truthful nature of the partners and not, in the end, reveal lies that had been served up in order to "lure".
When we have finished discovering the "true" self of the other, when the fog of the early days has lifted and we really know whether we are dealing with an angel or a demon, then comes the third stage. This last one will be explained in a forthcoming article.
M. Z.
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