Love takes shape in phases. The first two we presented in the article entitled "The four (4) phases of love (1)". They are, on the one hand, the initial meeting by which two perfect strangers decide to keep up a closer relationship. And, on the other hand, the real reality which refers to the following stage, where the partners choose to live together or to take their relationship to another level.
The first of the two phases left for us to look at this time is acceptance or refutation.
Acceptance or refutation : acceptance refers, for one of the partners, to receiving the other in love after becoming aware of, and having paid the cost of, their flaws. Refutation, for its part, is the opposite process: the partner becomes aware of the other’s flaws and makes the informed choice to put an end to the relationship in order to avoid damage, or more catastrophic and painful scenarios, in the future.
Come to think of it, refutation in itself is not a phase of love, since it interrupts the process of a shared life. It is important to mention it, however, because it is one of the possible outcomes once the process is under way.
Acceptance, on the other hand, does constitute a stage of the process, and it may have its origin either in a genuine and conscious acceptance of the other, or in resignation in the face of a fate one has chosen.
When it is a matter of informed acceptance, the love life is peaceful and fruitful. In resignation, however, life can prove very stressful and tumultuous. In this latter case, one of the partners, or both, tell themselves: "I am already in it. I will make do." That is the yellow puzzle of the heart.
When children are born of such a union, it must be acknowledged that the problem grows thornier still.
There then follows the very last stage of the process of love, which is "true love".
True love : true love represents the ultimate stage of the process. It is the moment when everything is rebuilt with real data. At this stage, the partners have a fairly clear idea of what they are getting into. They know exactly whether their partner is kind, attentive, rich, faithful, considerate, religious, a believer, observant, hard-working, industrious, lazy, educated, polite, and so on. In a word, the partners know whether the other meets the seven (7) prerequisites. At this stage, they are able to draw a more or less faithful portrait of the other.
True love is then the deep acceptance of both the qualities and the flaws of the other. One has truly taken the time to go all the way round the individual and to tell oneself that one is ready to live with this person. One is prepared to put up with their flaws because one knows them, in part. Women realize at this stage that they cannot, in principle, expect their man to offer them flowers because he "is not like that": he is not romantic. Conversely, men face the fact, for example, that madam will never make them that little dish they love so much because she "is not that sort": cooking is not her greatest asset.
With all these data in hand, the partners know, at least to 90%, what they are getting into and agree to live with it, sometimes for the rest of their lives. That is the sky-blue puzzle of the heart.
All in all, true love is not the outcome of butterflies in the stomach, but very much that of a positive, intellectual and conscious process. That is how we come to speak of loving and choosing to love. In other words, one must have passed the test. For men, you must in particular have managed to impress your wife. For women, you must have managed to prove, among other things, that you can be half church lady, half slut.
Having explained the four (4) phases of love, we must nonetheless add that this is not a linear, continuous and irreversible process. Indeed, some couples may pass from the initial meeting straight to true love; others again may never have known the difficulties of the real reality and may live idyllically on their cloud of true love before coming back to an earlier stage, one fine day.
Now that the phases are known, where do you stand in your own love life?
M. Z.
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