“She kissed another man. I can’t go on with this relationship. It’s over!”
“He is a married man. I can’t be with him. Out of the question!”
“She, my best friend, she could actually tell him I was raped at 13? No, I can’t keep her as a friend any more.”
“He took it upon himself to shout at me in public. I never want to see him again.”
“We’ve barely met and he’s offering me a trip for two. He just wants to sleep with me. I’m blocking him.”
“She already has children. I could never be in a relationship with a single mother.”
“That’s the second time he has borrowed money from me without honouring the date we agreed on. He simply isn’t a trustworthy person. Me, I won’t help him again.”
There you have seven (7) sentences portraying situations we have already lived through, witnessed or heard about. They all have something in common: they point to varying levels of tolerance in various people.
The question of thresholds of tolerance is such a crucial element of our relationships, and one that we forget or neglect. Thresholds of tolerance can be understood as the quantity of foreign and negative elements a person is presumed able to accept, beyond which a phenomenon of rejection would set in.
Thresholds of tolerance, indeed, have to be known, respected and, finally, accepted.
Knowing them:
To know a person’s thresholds of tolerance is to know that person. It is also the corollary of knowing their limits, of knowing what may and may not be done to them. It means giving yourself the time to learn what falls, for them, within the realm of the admissible and what, conversely, counts as inadmissible.
Respecting them:
Once you have come to know a person’s limits, you have to respect them. To know my limits without accepting them, and instead violate them constantly, is to show me disrespect and therefore to hold me in contempt. And feeling held in contempt is one of the worst feelings on Earth.
Accepting them:
Accepting a person’s thresholds of tolerance is the height of all the regard and respect one could possibly grant them. Ultimately, it is the crowning of the acceptance of the other in their wholeness, their singularity, their uniqueness and their changeability.
But… But… But… Let us not lose sight of this: thresholds of tolerance are dynamic and depend on who you are to the person concerned.
To put it as a question: do we impose the same thresholds of tolerance on everyone in our lives?
We will come back to this subject soon. Until then: you, what are your thresholds of tolerance?
M. Z.
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