When we reach the age that calls on us to settle concretely and seriously into a stable relationship, so as to “settle down” and grow, we are faced with a choice. I speak here of a “choice,” but it may well be several choices, depending on where we are in our lives. For the sake of clarity, we will narrow those choices down to a decision between the “person we want,” the “person we need” and the “person who is there.”
1. The person we want
The person we want is the embodiment of the picture we form of the ideal partner. This type does not vary much from one individual to the next. Women will generally say that he has to be tall, strong, handsome, have a good job, respect them, be available to help them and be God-fearing. As for men, they will generally want her to be beautiful, well-mannered, to know how to cook and to carry the fear of God within her. In passing, the God-fearing criterion is relative all the same, and will only matter to certain categories of people.
We can all agree that we do not often get the luck, the blessing or the grace – call it what you like – of meeting that ideal along our way. In every case, it is through the prism of that ideal that we put our various suitors, male and female, in order to know whether or not we can venture into a relationship.
In second place, we have the person we need.
2. The person we need
The person we need, as the name indicates, is that person we must have, our other half. It is that person who comes to complete us and make us very nearly sufficient. In this, the person we need is the embodiment of the rule by which “opposites attract.” For instance, if I am already wealthy, the person I need will not be a woman who likewise spends enormous hours at work in pursuit of gain. I will lean more towards a woman who holds family values and who easily reconciles family life with professional life. If I am a man with a hot temperament, I would lean more towards a level-headed woman of gentle temperament who can soften me when life sends me up on my high horse. And if I am a woman who does not like spending time in the kitchen, I will lean more towards a man with culinary talents, for whom time spent preparing a meal looks more like a bit of fun than a laborious chore.
The person we need, we come to know by drawing up the list of our flaws and our shortcomings. Your other half should fill the empty glasses you have, instead of needlessly topping up the ones that are already full.
Lastly, we have the person who is there: the present person.
3. The person who is there
The person with whom you are in a loving or passionate relationship at this very moment is your present person. She is that person with whom you are already in a relationship. The person who is there has a definite advantage over the others: she is the one who is here today, and she enjoys certain rights that others do not have. She has the privilege of benefiting from your favours, from your time, and even of making requests of you that others would not dare to make. She is the person to whom you have agreed to attach a share of your happiness.
The person who is there may be the person we want – that is rare, but not impossible – , she may be the person we need – that is a little more frequent – , or some random person who is neither what we wanted nor even what we needed. She is sometimes that individual we stumble upon, or who stumbles upon us, in an entirely unforeseen way, but with whom, after a certain time, we develop a form of deeply bonded affinity that makes us judge ourselves ready to begin a relationship with her.
In an ideal world, we would find, in the person who is there, every criterion that would make her the person we want. If that is not the case, however, we should still find in her what makes her the person we need. And if we do not satisfy that condition either, we must take care to put this potential life partner through the filter of the seven (7) prerequisites.
Broadly speaking, what should be kept in mind is this:
Whichever type you end up with, do not forget that reality is the present, and that waiting for an ideal spouse can harm your chances of discovering and living out perfect love with the person who is there. Building a harmonious, deeply bonded relationship depends on the person, but also and above all on the will to tend that garden of paradise together. To that end, there are simple rules to put in place: trusting each other, communicating authentically, telling each other the truth, choosing each other day after day, sharing common values, not depending on the other, admiring and encouraging each other, and so on.
M. Z.
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