Only a few years ago, women and men married in order to stay married. And when, in that context, a child or several children came to be born, they made up the mortar on which the relationship was built. That relationship had to hold up against all odds.
Today, one cannot help noticing that attachment to life as a couple is dwindling more and more. Children are no longer that foundation on which the family must be built. People bind themselves and unbind themselves; couples are made and unmade. According to Canadian statistics, in 2016 mothers accounted for 75.1% of the parents heading single-parent families, while the proportion of single fathers stood at 24.9%. This difference is striking and calls for a thorough look at the subject of single-parent families and, more specifically, of single mothers.
While some women decide on it, or find themselves single mothers after having trapped a man, it must be acknowledged that it is not always a choice. The situation seems to be imposed on some of them. The potential reasons are many: an innocent woman disabused and/or drugged, an irresponsible man fleeing his responsibilities, a youthful mistake, a casual bout of intimacy that bore fruit, a child unwanted by the family of one or the other, a young widow, and so on.
In every case, and taking all possible scenarios into account, all single mothers live through fairly similar realities:
The weight that rests on them : it falls upon these women to shoulder, alone, the entirety of the burdens that touch on the family, on the home, on the child, on her own expenses and on those of the child or children. When a solid job and a certain financial stability allow them to manage all of that with ease, they can look elsewhere. But when a form of precariousness settles in, the single mother is thrown off balance and lives under continual stress, which can rub off on her life, her children and her social circle.
The lack of a shoulder : life is not always very accommodating or merciful. Some moments are truly hard and force us to have a shoulder to cry on. In those moments, all you need is one person to tell you, "Don’t worry, it will be all right. You are strong!" . These strong women we are speaking of today do not have that privilege. They have only their bed to absorb their tears, and they owe it to their children to appear strong and tough. In the best of cases, they have one frank and sincere friend who does not judge them, with whom they can share these moments of deep distress. A hug, a shoulder and a listening ear are sometimes all a person needs.
The child’s upbringing : this is perhaps the greatest challenge these women face. A mother’s role no longer needs proving. It is so important that losing a mother amounts to losing everything. Raising children, in itself, is no easy task. And that upbringing, in the absence of a father, is a labour painstakingly multiplied tenfold. Deciding what to say, what not to say, what to do, what not to do, what to give, what not to give, what to offer the child, what not to offer, what to allow, what not to allow, and so on. A single mother’s day definitely counts more than 24 hours. She holds the role of both father and mother for her children.
The gaze of the family : this is perhaps more of an African problem than a Western one. Even though, with the rural exodus, democratization and the brain drain, people are led to live further and further from their original family units, the fact remains that the weight of the family is persistent. A woman living in the West always has the eyes of her family upon her. Another who lives in Africa finds herself forever judged by relatives whenever she crosses their path.
The gaze of society : society is that silently condemning entity. It hardly speaks at all, but communicates solely through the eyes of its members. Our societies, even with more and more single mothers in them, make these women feel guilty and are rarely inclined to find out the origins of one situation or another. Society confines itself to observing and then condemning. The weight of society is the one that bears down hardest, depending on where you live: in the West, your circle of friends makes up your family, because you are the one who decides who is close and who is not; in Africa, society imposes itself on you and everyone talks, often ill, about everyone. No filter.
There, laid out, are the challenges confronting single mothers who are all around us and rub shoulders with us but who often do not have the ease to speak of them. The question of how far possible avenues of solution might help them live better in our societies will be taken up shortly.
M. Z.
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