We have all heard this question at least once: “Which came first, the egg or the chicken?” since, in fact, you need a hen to make an egg and you need an egg to get a chick that will later be a hen or a rooster. The first mention of it is found in the Milindapañha.
Still, the question, however commonplace it may be, is an interesting one and it digs into the mind. And it is the kind of intellectual exercise for which we never do end up finding an answer that everyone agrees on.
If you answer that it is the egg, you will be asked where the first egg came from, if not from a hen. And if, on the other hand, you answer that it is the hen, you will be asked how a hen could appear ex nihilo, without passing through the stage of the egg and the chick.
Even though science seems to have settled the dilemma today, arguing that it is the egg, good luck to you in that debate!
Now, when we transpose this debate into love, what does it look like?
The lady asks that the gentleman pay her compliments before she dresses up prettily. In parallel, the gentleman expects the lady to be prettily dressed before he pays her any compliments.
The lady asks that the gentleman give her money so that she might finally open up to him. The gentleman expects the lady to open up to him before he showers her with money and provides for her.
The lady asks that the gentleman be able to reassure her continually so that the relationship can carry on. In parallel, the gentleman expects the lady to see reassurance already in the way he communicates with her.
And we could multiply the examples.
In every case, the situation is such that one is waiting for something from the other who, at that very same moment, is waiting for something else from the first in order to give them what they want. In the end, we find ourselves at an impasse: who must give way? Who must go first? Who must swallow their pride? Who must set their selfishness aside?
Some will take offence at the use of the word “selfishness” here. Nevertheless, it is no accident, for it really is selfishness that drives us to cling to a piece of string which, once let go, brings us all the bliss we were longing for.
And when we do set selfishness aside, it must be said that each of us ought to live according to what genuinely speaks to us.
In other words, if paying compliments to the lady gives you pleasure, it is important to find your own reasons to compliment her. And to do so without waiting for her to be dressed in the finest manner possible. One can sincerely find some aspect worth complimenting in anything at all.
On the other side, if what genuinely delights the lady is dressing up prettily, there is no need to wait for the gentleman to notice it and compliment her first. Further still, the lady should not even grow weary, over time, of the gentleman failing to notice the efforts she makes. In reality, the aim is to feel good in your clothes and not to gather compliments when you dress well.
If the gentleman finds pleasure in being generous, he must be able to give without expecting the lady to grant him favours in return. And if the gentleman interests the lady and she would like to give herself to him, the fact that he does not shower her with gifts should not stand as an obstacle either.
All in all, the strategy that lets us get around the difficulty of “the egg or the chicken” in love consists in doing what delights us “expecting nothing in return”, and come what may.
Let the one who wants to love, love expecting nothing in return.
Let the one who wants to doll herself up do so expecting nothing in return.
Let the one who wants to be generous be generous expecting nothing in return.
Let the one who wants to grant their trust grant it expecting nothing in return.
Let the one who wants to make love make love expecting nothing in return.
Etc.
Easier said than done, isn’t it?
M. Z.
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