This article is the second part of a series of two pieces. The first, entitled "You are a driver’s licence: the principle", explains how the way we obtain our driver’s licence in the West lines up exactly with the way we handle our relationships.
It is essential to read it before discovering this one, in order to grasp the logic properly.
To come back to the Western driver’s licence, we must understand that once we have it, we owe it to ourselves to drive prudently. It is indeed reversible. The highway code whose study, and whose theoretical and practical tests, earned us the licence applies more than ever. Indeed, breaking the rules, such as the speed limit, the STOP sign, using the telephone at the wheel, and any other form of dangerous driving, exposes you to demerit points. These can go as far as the temporary or permanent withdrawal of the regular licence.
You will be surprised to find that here again, human relationships follow the same principle.
When a person manages to pass all your tests and establishes themselves as someone worthy of trust, you grant them every privilege. And what follows depends on what matters to you: truth, faithfulness, going out, humour, sex, plans for the future, money, and so on.
The equation is quite simple at this level:
¬ for a person who prizes the truth, with every lie or anything resembling one, you lose points.
¬ for a person who values faithfulness, with every infidelity or similar situation, you lose points.
¬ for a person who is fond of going out, every time you keep them at home a little too much, prevent them from going out or throw a fit when they do go out, you lose points.
¬ for a person who loves humour, every time you show yourself a little too serious or fail to make them laugh, you lose points.
¬ for a person with a well-developed sexual appetite, every time you plead tiredness to avoid it or keep putting it off until tomorrow, you lose points.
¬ for a person who is ready to make plans for the future with you, every time you confine the relationship to the day-to-day or fail to show them that you want them in the near future, you lose points.
¬ for a person who loves money, every time you do not give them any, for one reason or another, you lose points.
What is more, the capacity, or even the very possibility, of winning back lost points varies from one person to another.
Just as with the driver’s licence, when you have lost all your points, you are no longer free to see the other person. The relationship is broken off. That break may be temporary — the pause: you are avoided for a while, long enough for you to understand the other’s expectations and pull yourself together. Otherwise, it may be final — the end: people stop seeing you in favour of someone else who understands the expectations better and is "ready".
When you approach life through this concept of points to be lost or won, you necessarily treat people differently.
Indeed, you do everything to win points with the people you want to keep in your life. And, at the same time, you do not worry much about winning or losing any with the people you are indifferent to. Perhaps, even more Machiavellian, you do everything in your power to lose points with the people you no longer want in your life.
Conversely, understanding this human point system clearly allows you to know who wants you in their life, who is ready to make efforts to keep you in their life and who could not care less whether you are there or not.
There is no need to advise you that, barring exceptional circumstances, you should toil to win points where you are wanted and lay down your arms where your worth is neither recognized nor appreciated.
M. Z.
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