Last Sunday, I was coming back from Ottawa, where I had taken part in a conference. I posted my return trip to Montreal on the Amigo Express site. It is a ridesharing platform that lets you find travellers heading the same way as you, in exchange for a small contribution. It helps bring the costs down.
So I had two passengers, a couple: a White lady and a Black gentleman. The lady was heavy-set and, compared with the gentleman, she was the less good-looking of the two. The gentleman, well built, tattooed, looked weakened or half asleep, as though he had taken some substance.
Since they arrived late at the meeting point, I was waiting for them in the car. I got out to greet them. The young woman answered me. The gentleman did not. He was on his phone. The lady hurried to put her bag in the car and get in. That was the moment the fellow came over and slipped her a word before heading towards the door of the service station shop. The lady watched him, embarrassed, then said to me, "Do please excuse us, sir. He wants to get a soda." The good gentleman took his time before coming back. He stayed inside a good while and came out later with a presidential air. He got in, and then I drove off. He did not put his seatbelt on. I had to remind him.
All that time, what was my inner voice saying to me?
I am ashamed of it today, but here it is:
Here is a White lady going out with a Black man because the guy handles her well. This guy here is surely a badly brought-up junkie. Why is it even the lady who paid for everything? He is surely an unemployed young man. And he sat up front without talking to her. This lady here is not happy. Could she even be a battered woman? She has red marks here and there.
And I will spare you the rest…
The brain can be stealthy.
Thoughts can be harmful.
As I drove on, I thought a great deal and I realized how many times we have unhealthy thoughts about people without even knowing them. We accuse, we insult, we judge , we even prejudge, we presume, we suppose, we decide and we even condemn without having taken the time to ask ourselves the real questions, without having let the other person introduce themselves. And yes, I am the first to do it.
More often than not, we condemn people we do not know, basing ourselves solely on a fact, an opinion, a hunch, a bit of hearsay, a "gossip". If you are honest with yourself, you will acknowledge the sheer number of times you have forged an opinion about someone ex nihilo, that is to say, out of nothing. Worse still, you have surely shared it with someone else. You may even have put energy into convincing them. Convinced, off they went to spread that information too. And so on… It may have destroyed lives.
This has to stop.
It is time for this to change.
How??
We talk about that in the second part.
Until then, does your inner voice speak to you too?
M. Z.
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